Archive for August, 2010

One for Sam (my Bewow)

when he was nine months old
i was nine years old
and korea seemed very far away
on the other side of the world
where they didn’t even speak english
so when he arrived
round cheeked with his big brown eyes
we gave him his own special language
because we couldn’t speak korean
and he couldn’t speak at all

when he first arrived
he was so fragile
literally shaky, barely holding on to life at times
and we didn’t know what to make of him
when he disappeared for a while
and the doctors tried to keep his tiny body and soul
in one piece – and they mostly succeeded
most of his parts work mostly like they should
except for the ones that don’t
and we just have to make up for those

here is the thing about him
he never grew up
but not in the way we mean
when we think about peter pan
his body grew larger
and now when i cut his hair
i also shave his mustache
but his understanding of the world
and his ability to communicate with it
is almost as limited now as it was when he arrived

but here is the more important part
through all those years
of carrying him around
and feeding him his smashed up dinners
and comforting him when he cried
and delighting when he laughed
we learned to understand his heart
his giant, loving, compassionate heart
that cries not only when he is upset
but whenever any baby cries in his hearing

and we learned to make him laugh
and we learned that he understood far more
than he could let us know
except through laughter and tears
he looks at us sideways
playing coy when we want to take his picture
and he grins when we ask him to show us his foot
and he laughs hard when he has gas
and grins at me so broadly
when he refuses to give me five

his cheeks are not so round anymore
but his big brown eyes
light up when we come into a room
and his smile is sometimes impossibly big
and his personality fills the world with light
and the fact that he never grew up
that he will only ever grow up in heaven
just makes me love him more
and that is why i still use our special language
and hold him on my lap


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On Waiting

Sunbursts and marble halls may all be very well, but there is more ‘scope for the imagination’ without them.  And as for the waiting, that doesn’t matter.  We’ll just be happy, waiting and working for each other – and dreaming.  Oh, dreams will be very sweet now. – Anne of the Island

That is how I wish
Waiting always worked for me
Hopeful and optimistic
Committed to anticipation
Ready to conquer
Ready to work
Ready to just accept
That this is how it is right now
And to look forward so intentionally
To how it will be
In the not-so-distant future
Because the dreams are sweet
But the waiting is hard
More days than not
Because of the distance
And the time that stretches out
Like eternity
But not really
Because it has an end
And the days will give way
To weeks and months
And dreams coming true

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