Archive for August, 2008

Awaiting Transition

So much pain
And confusion
And doubt
And sadness
Circling around all the time
In Silence
Or in anger
Or in deep, dark depression
Not sleeping
Not getting out of bed
No relief from tears
Hurt so deep
It feels bottomless
We look up
We cry out
We seek help
We press in
And as we turn
Toward the light
Morning comes
Darkness fades
Calm and stillness
Begin to seep through
Love begins
To heal
To mend
Our broken hearts
Our wounded souls
Our aching spirits
We grow toward wholeness
We stretch and move
We get up
Stepping lightly
Holding our heads aloft
And we begin to dance again

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Not Quite Children…But

They are wrestling
My little black mops
Chewing on each others’ faces
Tugging on each others’ ears
Hiding behind corners
Waiting to pounce
Tails all aquiver
Running in circles
Full of joy
Happy to be together
Endlessly entertaining

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When you say
-What is your God like
-Who is your Higher Power
-What do you mean when you say
“God as I understand God”

I say

No matter what
I do
I say
I think
I feel
I believe
I fail
Love remains the answer
Keep asking the questions

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For Amber

It’s just a lot—all of it
The sadness and the tension
The loneliness and the loss
The enormity of forever changing
But most of all
The little people counting on you
To get it right
To keep holding your head up
To keep walking forward
To be strong
To endure
To love them enough
To love yourself enough
To cling to the truth you know
And keep after the truth you don’t know yet
To lean into the light
To refuse to sink down into darkness
To teach them how to hold His hand
By holding on yourself
To let them know where your strength comes from
It’s so much…
It’s really so much
But more important in the end
Than unpacked boxes
Or organized clothes
Or even civility among adults
Is learning that dependence
Clinging to that reality
Making sure they understand
That He loves them
More than you love them
Because He does
And so it’s a lot
But it isn’t too much
They are watching
As you walk through this valley
And they will learn to love Him
Like you love Him
And to love each other
And to be the men and women
They were meant to be
Before time began
Just like you
Deep inside them, they will understand
Jesus loves you – this I know

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August in Texas

Miraculously green
Almost lush
Underneath the bluest sky
Cool breezes
Out of place
Compliments of days on end
Of persistent gentle rain
Soaking into the parched soil
Moving up into fading brown grass
Coaxing trees to expand
That’s how we want
Your Spirit to fall
Not in a torrent
But in stretches of time
Soaking into our parched souls
Softening our hardened hearts
Gentling our harshest emotions
Over and over again
Awakening everything dead and dry
Coaxing us to look up
Toward the light
Seeking our sustenance
Becoming all You created us to be

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It’s so cloudy and murky
When I look for You
I only see myself
I only hear my own thoughts
I feel alone and afraid in the dark
I don’t understand
I can’t see what You’re doing
I don’t understand what’s going on
I keep asking and asking
I keep pushing and pressing in
I keep doing everything I know to do
And it seems like nothing’s changing
At least not for the better
It seems like it’s spiraling downward
Falling into nothing
The yawning abyss
And it doesn’t make sense to me
It doesn’t feel like You meant what You said
It seems like You’ve forgotten
Or moved on
And I feel all alone
On the precipice
Hanging on with all my strength
And yet I know
You are here
Even when I can’t feel Your presence
You haven’t let go
Even when my hands are slipping
You remember
Even when I forget
You keep your promises
Even when I doubt them
You understand it all
Even when I can’t reason it through
You hold me up
Even when my knees buckle under the strain
You keep me from falling
Even when my strength fails utterly
You make all things new
Even when I see only devastation
You hold me in Your hands
Even though I try to do things on my own
You don’t change
You don’t leave
You haven’t given up
You are working
You have a plan
Your timing is perfect
You are absolutely sovereign
Absolutely loving
Absolutely kind
Everything I am not
Your ways are so much higher than mine
Nothing I think or feel or do or say can change You
You always were
What you always are
What you will be forever
It’s me that’s changing
Because You love me
Ever so slowly, I am
Learning to trust in Your forever Love
Instead of my own perceptions
Learning to depend on what You say
Instead of how I feel
Learning to seek Your direction
Instead of running away to try it on my own again
And as you change me, I wait for the day
When the fog lifts
When the darkness is gone forever
When the mirror disappears
When You are revealed in all Your glory
And I see You face to face

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In the quiet
Hope unfolds
Flutters its wings
Stretches wide
Looks around
Fear too and Doubt
Stir from slumber
Jostle about
Coveting space
Noticing, Hope
Hums softly
Lingers over memories
Smiles knowingly
Glances at pictures
Looks out the window
Places her hand
On Gratitude’s shoulder
Gratitude unwinds
Long arms
Wrapped around comfort
An old blanket
Deeply inhaling
She stretches out
Expanding her reach
Hope and Gratitude
Hold hands
Sway and dip
Circling, Pulsing
An ancient rhythm
Light footsteps
Quietly drumming
Slowly, then
Doubt’s head begins to nod
Fear’s eyes close again
They yield to sleep
So in the silence
Only Hope and Gratitude remain
Joined together
Twirling with delight

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